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Page 2
ON LIEUTENANT GEORGE'S ACTING
You were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick.
ON MRS MIGGINS
Mrs M, if we were the last human beings on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick.
ON THE PALACE
It's so dirty, it would be unacceptable for a dung beetle that had lost interst in it's career and really let itself go.
ON PERCY
You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would.
You are about as much use to me with a hole in your head, an affliction with which you must be familiar, never having had a brain.
You wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut.
You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate.
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ON PRIME MINISTER PITT
He's about as effective as a cat flap in an elephant house.
ON PRINCE GEORGE
A master with all the intellect of a jugged walrus and all the social graces of a potty.
He's got a brain the size of a weasel's wedding tackle.
ON THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL
He's the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Besr Disciple Competition.
ON SQUADRON COMMANDER FLASHHEART
Most of the infantry think you're a prat. Ask them who they'd prefer to meet - Squadron Commander Flashheart or the man who cleans the public toilets in Aberdeen and they'd go for Wee Jock Poo-Pong McPlop every time.
ON THE THEATRE
A load of stupid actors strutting around shouting, with their chests thrust out so far you'd think their nipples were attached to a pair of charging elephants.
ON WAR
A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.
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