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Throughout his long and numerous lives, Blackadder found it hard to be nice about people, places and things. Here is an alphabetical list of some of those things about which he felt most strongly.


ON ACTING

Iíd rather have my tongue beaten thin with a steak tenderiser and then stapled to the floor with a croquet hoop.

ON BALDRICK

God made man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the Globe if God looked anything like you Baldrick.

Your services might be as useful as a barberís shop on the steps of a guillotine.

Your brainís so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldnít be enough to cover a small water biscuit.

ON BALDRICK'S ACTING

Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests there are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions than yours.

The only decent impression he can do is of the man with no talent.

ON BALDRICK'S KITCHEN

O God! This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Years War. Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?

BALDRICK'S PLANS

I've a horrid suspicion that Baldrick's plan will be the stupidest thing we've heard since Lord Nelson's famous signal at the Battle of the Nile: 'England knows Lady Hamilton's a virgin, poke my eye out and cut off my arm if I'm wrong.'


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ON BOB

ballYou are a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar bears only golf club.

ON CONCERT PARTIES

I'd rather spend an evening on top of a stepladder in No Man's Land smoking endless cigarettes through a luminous balaclava.

ON THE FLYING ACES

For 'magnificent men' read 'biggest showoffs since Lady Godiva entered the royal enclosure at Ascot claiming she had literally nothing to wear.'

ON THE FRENCH

We hate the French! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the field of Agincourt? Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?

ON LIEUTENANT GEORGE

I lost closer friends than 'darling Georgie' the last time I was deloused.
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